It's back. That dark cloud that enshrouds me. For three years, I stemmed its advance and now I am whirling within it.
THAT feeling. The feeling of not belonging. The feeling of wanting to run away. Is it logical? No, not really. Is it justified? No - not by conventional means. I want to go home and there isn't one. Oh, I live some place. I have a roof over my head. I have children and a husband that loves me. I have a job that I love and I am good at doing. Why do I feel like bolting?
It is part of who I am. It is woven into my personality like a warp yarn-hiding most of the time and then springing up when I least expect it and without notice, but always a part of me....my foundation.
I think it's my desire to keep moving. Three years is my maximum. I begin to stress...a lot. I need to leave town...desperately. By some miracle, I have managed to live in the same town for 27 years and at only six addresses. Primarily, because I have children and a troublesome "baby daddy" that is a constant thorn in my side.
If my children were grown, I would be gone in a flash. Sell or store everything and just take off. Well, bring the husband....and the bird....maybe some clothing.
This is the legacy for Military BRATs. We seek rebirth every three years. If we cannot have it geographically, we sometimes find it in new intimate relationships, new jobs, new hobbies, new furniture or new friends....sometimes, in the bottom of a bottle.
I am at a place in my life where I can do none of these. My restlessness is overwhelming right now. I just want to burst into tears and know at the same time that it will not make a difference. So....what do I do? What can I do? Write. That's about it. Don't have the money to take a road trip, besides, my health has been challenged this week and it wouldn't be a practical idea.
This blog is my therapy. I am sharing it with my fellow BRATs in the certainty that they have all dealt with this. I appreciate your comments.